When I was in my 5th grade Language Arts class we had a writing exam. It was one of those tests issued by the state. It felt both not important at all because it didn’t affect my overall grade, but also extremely important because I worried if the state deemed me mentally to be a mongoloid I would get sentenced to military school. And as badly as I want to believe I would have become a Navy Seal, I have to come to terms with reality and admit I would have more than likely been the guy washing potatoes and cleaning the urinals with my toothbrush.
Before we took the test my teacher, Mrs.Feather, was blabbering on about some other student she once had who wrote the “best story ever” and he would surely go on to be the next Colleen Hoover or Stephen King or whoever wrote the Holy Bible. At that time I wanted to be a writer and my cockiness in my skills was through the roof, although I had not written a single damn word. Still, I was excited for the praise I was about to receive for acing this exam and looking totally kickass in front of my teacher…
The test was simple. Get a prompt and write for 60 minutes straight. Basically a cake walk for a young Hemingway like myself. The prompt was “You are all alone and locked in a mall overnight.” Sheeeeeit that pretty much writes itself.
I went into speed mode and started writing my best work, but unfortunately I quickly gave myself a case of the Heebie-Jeebies when I started talking about the lights being low and the deafening silence of the empty building. To reassure myself I wouldn’t encounter a ghost or demon or pedophile I started writing about how my first order of business was to visit the pet store and free all the dogs. I needed a companion if I were to survive the night. By the time I got done describing, naming, and bonding with all of the adorable pups the timer went off and the pencils went down.
Needless to say my story went absolutely nowhere. I was asked to write a short story and instead I basically wrote about how cool and cute dogs are. And there ain’t nothing more moronic than that. I failed the bitch and received damn near the lowest grade possible…
That has bothered the hell out of me for damn near 20 years. So much so that I swore I’d get my revenge and wrote a novel one day… I wanted to prove to the State of Tennessee that actually THEY were the moron idiots and that their test was stupid and to confine my abilities to only 60 minutes was real dumb on their part. God only knows what I would have whipped up had I been unchained.
A few years ago I finally started my first book. I had written a few short stories here and there, but now it was time to see one of these bastards through. I set out to write 1,000 words a day. Fueled by coffee and nicotine toothpicks I stayed true to the goal and finished ALIEN SPACE GOLD in a couple months.
It’s heavily inspired by Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy. A sci-fi comedy about two blokes who’s wives get their wedding rings stolen. Instead of paying the money to get them new ones they decide to track down the burglars which leads them on an intergalactic journey. Eventually they uncover a Cash4Gold scheme that threatens to blow up the entire universe.
Pretty bitchin’ storyline.
I am pretty proud of the book. Mostly because I finished it. Not because it is an amazing work of art, but it is also that.
I’m also not trying to say it is the greatest book you’ll ever read, but I am saying you can click this link RIGHT HERE and buy the sumbitch in either paperback or as an Ebook.
If you do, may God be with you.
If you do not, may God have mercy on you. For I shall not.
MONGOLOID